Breaking wind when shooting classic airguns.

[Amac]

Please be aware that failure to restrain from carrying out "noisy" bodily functions when at the firing line with your gun can, and probably will, result in a visit from the Bottom Inspectors.

They have no interest whatsoever in what type of gun you happen to be using, how powerful it is or where and when it was manufactured. These "gas soldiers" will install both decibel meters and gas detectors to ensure that other shooters do not pull shots due to the sudden, loud, and lets face it usually stinky gas emissions from any offending shooter. Offenders in the first instance are issued with a yellow card. Those ignoring the B.I requirements for a second time during the shooting event are finally issued with, yes, you've guessed it, a brown card.

At our own club, our local resident vegetarian has been known to pass wind at considerable velocity. It is for precisely these reasons that the "Bottom Inspectors" have been asked to investigate further this and other incidents in the North West region recently. Any habitual offenders will be asked to insert a cork into the offending orifice, and will feature in the B.Ps monthly "bottom shots" that is circulated to local airgun clubs and in the not too distant future the BBC "bottom watch" programme.

You have been warned!

Andy

[mikec4]

kev and willo been interrupting your shooting recently by any chance Andy????

[Hsing-ee]

Legislation is a course of last resort, and I deplore the deployment of 'bottom inspectors' with their apparatus and officious behaviour. We should all be self-policing gentlemen of honour; anyone passing significant amounts of gas should be taken aside by one of the Seniors and given a talking-to. A repeat offence will result in a penalty, such as serving the tea in a pink pinny. Incorrigable chuffers will be sent to Coventry or forced to seal their pants with mastic.

'Bottom police', poorly paid as they are, are prone to corruption and may be bribed to ignore the guilty and persecute the innocent. There are also clubs - closed down now, all of them - where all the shooters took to bringing ancient hounds onto the firing points with them, so they could re-attribute the blame.

We are all in this together - lets not get heavy-handed with issue of gas. The answer my friends, is blowing in the wind, the answer is blowing in the wind.

[Phil Russell]

Careful now ... 'tis only examples of dieseling.
Cheers, Phil

[I. J.]

Might I suggest that the club involves buys a canary?

Perhaps they could get one on higher perches!

[Josie & John]

Hi Ian,

This thread reminds me of a 10 Metre pistol competition I shot around 10 years ago after a meal of eggs and cauliflower. I came up on aim and relaxed all my unused muscles in accordance with the best advice on consistent shooting. I squeezed one out and then another, thinking nobody would notice prompting some unkind person to threaten to call the U.N. on the basis he believed he had found the place Saddam Hussein had hidden his WMDs. Somehow he thought they were placed in a part of my anatomy. Apparently one of the rifle shooters had to give up half way through shooting his cards to go outside for some air. I was in my bubble and didn't notice other people's reactions.

Somehow, I don't think I would make a good vegetarian.

John

[zooma]

An established airgun shooting club (that cannot be named for obvious reasons) has just had a new person apply for membership.

This new person has an extreme personal hygiene problem that rapidly fills the club with a very unpleasant odour that is so bad that it has caused some of the club members to feel ill and one member to actually want to wretch and vomit. To further thicken the now enriched atmosphere he also seems to have a bad case of flatulence.

Being a polite club nobody is keen to embarrass said new applicant but they ( the existing club members) have now started leaving early to escape the pungent smell. Others have arrived and left almost immediately after making their excuses ( sudden head ache and not feeling too well being the most popular to date).

At this moment it is looking like this one new person has the ability to almost empty the club single handed and this could even lead to the club having to fold as with not enough members being present to pay the range fees there will not be enough cash to pay the rent.

This new applicant concerned has a good selection of expensive target air weapons and would seem to have been around for some time so perhaps he has failed to endear himself to other clubs previously?

Without being rude or unduly offensive doe's anybody have any suggestions to offer this club on how to politely advise this person that he is not welcome without causing any embarrassment or offence ?

[Amac]

'Tis very illuminating "hearing" your own admissions folks. That was a particularly interesting tale about the gassing of fellow shooters John! However, I must advise you all that Hsings recommendation regarding the serving of tea in a pink pinny to fellow none pumpers, sorry, shooters, is in fact at this very moment under consideration by Superintendent Fred Art (Chief Bottom inspector.)

As for the use of canaries, we already have a couple of those shooters who tend to sing like one when things are not going there way or somebody forgets to put their name on the "who is signed into the 10 metre range" wipe board.

And Phil, if your guns dieseling make a noise that would be of interest to the B.I, I would strongly suggest ripping the guts out of the offending gun before somebody shops you to Fred and the team.

Actually, that would make another interesting competition: Who fancies kicking off a "pumping power league."
Bugger the scores. What matters in this postal league is how rancid the target card happens to niff following the high powered delivery of some bottom gas. We have a couple of shooters at Rivington who are more than capable of scoring a good "PPL" score from their orafaces at both rear end and the mush.

Anyway, let me know what you think. Lets work it right up those officious Bottom Inspectors (actually sounds quite painful.)

Andy